I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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