On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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