My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
