So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
