I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
