hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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