the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
