Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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