The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Still dying that you shit outside
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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