I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
