I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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