We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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