My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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