I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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