I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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