Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
