So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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