This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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