his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
