my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize