i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I got inside last night via doggy door
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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