do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
