I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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