Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
