Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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