god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
