I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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