my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
