Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
