his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
