The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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