My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It's no shave November. This is our time.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
