It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
