I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
