I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
