I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
