That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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