It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
