seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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