I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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