hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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