I wanna bring you to show and tell
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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