I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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