i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
This couple is walking their pig around campus
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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