I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize