I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I did not marry a roomba.
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