i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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