I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
organizing the empties. That sober.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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