he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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