I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
