Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
