I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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