Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
