My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
