The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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