yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
