I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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