True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Randomize
