come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
