Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
