So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
