but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
