Pants 0. Shit 1.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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