Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
