he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
