ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
