I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
